JOURNAL ENTRY DAY 15: JUNE 30, 2007

Why Do I Stand?

Yesterday, while standing on Church Street, I ask myself, why do I do this? I began to recall events in my life that brought me to this point. I remembered the first time I ever saw a men’s magazine, as it was called in 1967. It was one that carried a XXX rating, which means it left nothing to your imagination. It belonged to someone who lived next door, so I had access to it almost any time I wanted. I found myself viewing these magazines as often as possible. But it wasn’t enough.

After always having to go next door, I began to try to figure out ways I could have magazines of my own. This created a problem for me at 13 yrs old. I was in a local store buying a soda one day, and noticed a large stack of magazines lying on a shelf. I had never noticed those there before. To my amazement they were men’s magazines, which I began to browse through.

Much to my surprise, the people at the registers, a short distance away, did not stop me or even question me. I now knew where to get them, but not how. It was unlawful to sell them to a 13 yr. old boy, so I had only one option. I returned later and waited for the lady at the register to be busy, and I stole my first magazine. I thought for sure I would get caught, but I was more interested in having my own than I was worried about getting caught. That was the beginning of me stealing to feed my addiction.

I remember knowing that what I was doing was terribly wrong. I was raised in a Christian home with Godly parents that truly loved and cared for me, but there was a desire in me that I could not stop. It was in my thoughts and dreams. I could only think about the next chance to view the pictures of the women adorning the pages.

As I got older, I met a beautiful woman that I fell madly in love with. We dated for two years before we were married. I thought all my problems were over; I now had someone to fulfill everything that I was seeing in my magazines. Boy what a rude awakening!

The thoughts of years of images I had looked at were burned into my memory. The desire for the magazines did not stop, and before long I had hidden them in our home, without my wife knowing. My wife and I were in church where I was acting like everything was ok.

The true identity of my heart was only waiting until she left home to rummage through the magazines again. I felt guilt and shame for what I was doing, but I did not know how to stop. It had a grip that I could not break. This continued until I was 40 yrs old. I wanted to stop, but didn’t not know how. Its grip was too strong!

My life was at the point where I knew I needed help. I went to my associate pastor and confessed everything to him. He was the first person I had ever told. Before then it was my little secret, and it was eating me up inside. Through that pastor and God’s Word I began to fight this addiction.

After a while, I began to see progress. It was slow, but I could tell it was making a difference. That was twelve years ago. I would like to be able to say that I never struggle now, that I never have images in my mind from all the stuff I looked in the past, but I can’t. Some days are easy, some days are a battle from the time my feet hit the floor. The only way I can make it is by keeping my eyes and mind on Christ, and rely on Him to see me through.

I don’t want other children drawn into pornography. I don’t want to see them have their lives controlled by something that destroys marriages and families. With the Internet, it is as easy as the click of a button. I am one of the blessed ones. My wife stayed with me and helped me work through my addiction, and we are still together today after thirty-two years. A lot of marriages are not as fortunate. THIS IS WHY I STAND!

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