THE MIRACLE OF A TRANSFORMED LIFE
Jeff Buchanan

My mother’s first marriage was to my father who was an insurance salesman in southern Alabama. She married when she was 19 years old to a man who would become an abusive alcoholic and would also prove unfaithful. Upon getting another woman pregnant, she divorced him when I was 3 years old and I saw him only a few times in the following year. Eventually, he ceased child support and I never heard from him again. In the next three years, we moved in with any relative or friend that would take us in as my mother struggled to support us on $55 a week. During this time, I rarely came in contact with men and began to find my comfort in the world where women where my role models and mentors. My mother remarried when I was 6 to a man that seem to promise security and acceptance. However, by this time much of the damage was done. Even at this early age, I already emulated characteristics in me that, to me, seemed to be difficult for my step-father to understand or accept. Our interests and personalities were at odds early on in our relationship. Because of these differences, I accepted a belief that I was rejected and I could not identify with my sex. My mother struggled with her own personal wounds from her childhood and previous marriage and as a result her new marriage began to suffer. In the years to follow, I experienced the stereotypical torment from the other boys by being labeled “sissy”, “queer”, and so forth. I tried to embrace sports activities but lacked the confidence or the skill to succeed. During this time I began to develop obsessive dependencies on other boys and became consumed with having a “best” friend. Eventually I would smother them and they would leave and the rejection cycle would continue.

Upon adolescence my obsessive desires became eroticized and my teenage years where filled with confusion and anxiety. When I was 13 I gave my life to Christ at a revival at a church down the street where we were very active. Soon after, I answered the call to ministry and believed that my sexual confusion was in the past. However, when the desires eventually returned I began to spin into deep struggles with depression and the relationship with my parents deteriorated. I realized the true severity of my problem with I developed erotic feelings for my best friend in high school. Eventually, that relationship met the same fate as so many before it.

I maintained my faith and “white-knuckled” my tendencies until the later years of my undergraduate work at college. It was then that I met another man struggling with the same issues that I struggled and for the first time I confessed to another human being my suffering. We were both elated that we found each other and committed to keep each other from falling. Instead we found ourselves in what would become a 3 year same-sex relationship. In those three years, we only spent a total of 3 weeks apart and I even moved in with his family, who where evangelists and missionaries, for a summer. I found myself in a relationship that was controlling, obsessive, and eventually physically abusive. I also frequently experienced deep depressions, emotional breakdowns, and suicidal thoughts. It became a cycle of dependency and co-dependency that would continue until I left for graduate school in 1991. It was then that I heard God give me a choice. He told me that I could both turn to Him fully and embrace a process of change or He would release me to my chosen lifestyle which would eventually lead to death. It was then I decided to walk away from my partner and into an uncertain future where change seemed impossible. For the next three years, I suppressed my desires and once again began to embrace the church but still kept my struggle a secret. As a result, I made very little progress in my healing.

After graduate school, I felt that the Lord wanted me to move to Nashville. I started attending a small church and confided my struggle to the pastor. He lacked an understanding of my struggle and as a result, I received very little guidance from him. However, he did begin to trust and release areas of leadership to me as I continued to embrace the church which was very encouraging to me. Eventually, he became uncomfortable with certain personality traits and mannerisms that seemed to reflect my struggle with homosexuality and asked me to step down from leadership. Of course, I was crushed and a few weeks later I asked for his release and blessing for me to attend another church. In frustration, he agreed and I began attending a life-giving church in another part of town. It was there that I finally found acceptance and people that where willing to walk with me through a life changing process. I experienced for the first time life-giving relationships with heterosexual men who I could be open with about my struggles. With this community, teaching, and commitment to the truth, I began to experience the miracle of a transformed life. I found that the body that hurts us is the same body that heals us. What I thought was impossible became possible! I discovered who I was and what I was intended to be. I arrived at a place of peace and acceptance that I never thought was possible.

Then finally after several years on my journey of healing, God walked me through another door in my life. Angela had been a close friend for 5 years before God revealed to me that He intended for her to be my wife. It was incredible to believe because she was so much more that I ever could have hoped for and was a woman who faithfully lived for God all of her life. On October 11, 2003, Angela became my wife and we celebrated with our entire New Song family cheering us on. Also in 2003, I came on full-time staff at my church as Pastor of Worship Arts. Today, I am serving in the office that God called me to over 20 years ago and now I am helping others who struggle with same-sex desires begin the journey on the road to healing. It is the loving body of Christ and the revelation of God’s grace and mercy that fuels my passion to see the church embrace those struggling with same-sex attractions and become the place of refuge, restoration and release that it was always intended to be.
Jeff Buchanan